I usually don’t believe people when they tell me that they live life with “no regrets.” I definitely have regrets in my life. Often, they revolve around food. As in, “Oh god, I’m so full I could barf. I definitely regret eating all those cookies.” Or, “Hey, where did all my money go? Man, do I sure regret my addiction to alcohol and Starbucks.”

But do I regret doing the Cleanse the second time around? No… not 100%. Probably only like 11%.

What I do regret is that I basically deprived myself of any sort of enjoyment for 10 days. When you can’t eat or drink anything but lemons, maple syrup and cayenne pepper, fun can be zapped out of activities that you didn’t even realize revolved around food. (For example, reality TV watching is just not that same without some Mexican takeout and a beer.)

Also, I’m not really sure I needed to do the Cleanse again. I consider myself to be a pretty healthy person. I don’t eat meat. I don’t do fast food. I run. I live in New York (which means that I power walk in the streets.) My only downfall is sweets. And let’s be honest, I could probably cleanse myself until I looked like an Olsen Twin… and I’d still have a sweet tooth. (Have I mentioned cookies lately?)

But in the end, the good outweighed the bad. Because doing the Cleanse is a great reminder that I do indeed have a little self-control over my self-prescribed “downfalls” and “addictions.”

Can I enjoy a concert while sober? Yes! Can I survive a day of work, coffee-free, without killing a co-worker? Yes! Can I just say no to a box of homemade cookies from mom without slitting my wrists and ending my life right then and there? Surprisingly, yes!

Of course, there are many other positives that doing the Cleanse has rewarded me with: I feel great. I have a positive outlook on life. My allergies have cleared up. My skin is baby-bottom soft. I haven’t snapped at anyone at work. I don’t have to hit the snooze button 5 times just to wake up. And I can whistle though my colon!

However, those are probably all only temporary fixes that will fade away with time. So the main thing that I am taking away from this Cleanse is the knowledge that I do possess the power to enjoy all good (and therefore “bad for you”) things in moderation.

And the next time I need reminding of that, I’m just going to come back here and read this blog. Because I’m done (for good this time) with the Cleanse. I made it! And so did you! Thanks for reading, dear readers.

XOXO,
Brian

3:20pm – Right after I posted my last post, I felt a little movement in the bowel area.  Sure enough, it was time!  I pooped two perfect little pieces of solid poop made entirely of leftover lemon seeds and pulp, vegetable soup, clementine, and a little bit of hope.  Detailed enough?  It’ll have to tide you over because, unless something remarkable happens, I probably won’t be posting any remarks again until my final thoughts tomorrow.

1:17pm - I’m still thinking about food a lot, but now instead of “God, I’m hungry.” It’s “God, I’m full.” I welcome the change. I had a whole wheat bagel and 2 eggs over easy for breakfast 4 hours ago, and I’m still feeling like I cow. I think the bagel was a little much, but I’m ruthless when it comes to breaking this bitch. I had a very busy morning of shopping for my All Saints Day costume, and I needed the extra energy. (Yes, I said All Saints Day… I don’t celebrate Halloween like you heathens. My BF is throwing a Martyr Party where everyone has to dress up as their favorite martyr. I’m going as Joan of Arc, but the BF said I might as well just go as myself, since I deprived myself of food for ten days.)

1:27pm - I take back what I said at 10:29am. Now the Cleanse is officially broken. Just had my first solid BM in almost two weeks. Another welcomed change.

5:22pm – Went to the grocery store earlier today to buy another lemon. I had a few violent flashbacks, but I managed to keep calm knowing that this particular lemon is going to be used for the apple pie I’m baking tomorrow, and not for M.C. Juice.

9:51pm - For dinner: Almond-crusted flounder and medley of okra, corn, tomato and butter beans that the BF made. There were a few big chunks of bacon in the beans. Luckily, my meat-trained eyed spotted them and was able to pick them all out. BF claimed that he “forgot” about the bacon. But I still think he’s trying to trick me into becoming a meat eater again. For dessert: Pecan pie from the Farmer’s Market. Listen, just because I finished the Cleanse, doesn’t mean I’m going to be eating healthy 24/7. It’s also worth mentioning that we had wine with dinner. It’s good to be buzzed back.

6:43pm – I just had a bowl of vegetable soup that would probably taste anywhere from bland to normal to other people, but to me it tasted like one of Proust’s Madeleine’s.  I hadn’t realized how ready I was for something savory (other than the sea dregs of the salt water flush).  I followed the soup with a clementine.  And if the soup tasted like Proust’s Madeleine, the clementine tasted like it had come from a tree watered with G-d’s own delicate tears of happiness over the end of war on earth.

10:36am - Didn’t make have time to squeeze any oranges this morning, so I’m now sipping what I would normally think is an overpriced 100% natural O.J. from the corner deli. But post-Cleanse, it is worth every penny. I also just took my first few bites of a banana. It is quite possibly the best banana I have ever eaten. I feel high right now. I also feel like I’ve been performing a long B.J. on my banana because, damn my jaw is sore from all this chewing! Surprisingly, I feel very full right now. This will definitely hold me over until lunch. Now I can spend the rest of my morning NOT thinking about food for once. Praise Jesus!

1:28pm - Fish broth and carrot sticks for lunch. I couldn’t be happier. I’m not even thinking about cookies right now, I swear.

2:13pm - Just chewed a piece of bubble gum. It was so wonderful, I almost cried. Welcome back, artificial flavors.

7:40pm - It would appear as if I am trying reset my healthy eating habits to mainly revolve around Japanese food. More dumplings tonight, the tofu kind this time. I’m pretty sure the waiter thought I was being cheap by ordering just an appetizer.

8:34pm – Today hasn’t been quite as bad as Day 1 after the Cleanse last year, but it’s still been pretty bad.  Mostly I’m just hungry.  My sister graciously helped me make vegetable soup tonight, but I’m not sure I want to try to eat it before tomorrow.  My stomach has been pretty confused about the OJ, I think, so I don’t want to push it.  I had two kind of typical Cleanse eliminations today and one less exaggerated one as the day went on, so that’s good.  And now it’s time to watch people hungrier than me on Survivor.

11:25pm – I just went out to a bar and ordered OJ like a tool.  Or a recovering alcoholic.  Is there really a difference?  I’m not too hungry right now even though all I’ve consumed today is watered down OJ and two mushy little pieces of potato.  I can’t wait to have more mushy little pieces of potato when I’m eating my first serving of soup tomorrow for dinner.  That’ll be the life.

8:05am - Today is one of the hardest days on the Cleanse. While technically the Cleanse is over, and I should be elated… In reality, I can’t actually have any solids today, therefore I am depressed. My menu for the day consists of fresh OJ cut with water and homemade soup broth. How delightfully disappointing.

While making my OJ this morning I licked one of the oranges. It tasted pretty damn good. But now that my OJ has been mixed with water at a ratio of 1 cup of OJ to 6 cups of water, it tastes like bland orange flavored water. I think I need to buy more oranges this morning. After all, this all I get to fucking drinking until dinner time.

11:46 - The oranges at Morton Williams looked very sick. So I had to buy mostly tangerines. Right now, my tanger-orange water isn’t doing a whole lot for me. I feel very slow and weak and I’m just about halfway through my supply for the day. It’s almost like I’m detoxing from the M.C. Juice now. I wouldn’t say that I miss my M.C.J., but I wouldn’t mind a little pick-me-up. Now that I’m off the Cleanse I can go back to doing blow, right?

12:15pm - Damn it! A patient at work just brought in a giant Halloween cookie cookie for me. It’s the sugar kind with even sugarier frosting. I put it in my locker and I’m trying very hard not to think about it. I know once you finish with the Cleanse your body resets it’s eating habits and you crave healthier things. But right now, I say fuck that… I’m craving a cookie! Something tells me I’m going to be glancing over at my locker all day today.

2:01pm - God hates me. Forget about the Halloween cookie… A package from my mom just arrived for me at work from. It’s contents: 3 Musketeers, snack mix, a tin full of homemade cookies. I’m dying. Healthier eating habits be damned! As soon as I can go back to solid foods, there’s going to be a giant cookie party in my mouth.

8:36pm - Eating Drinking fish broth (homemade by my Top Chef BF) while watching Survivor. Yes, you read that correctly, I’m having fish (and not the recommended vegetable) broth. My stomach seems to be up to the challenge. And speaking of challenges, on Survivor they just competed in a reward challenge for a plate of pastries and coffee! I think I was just as upset and disappointed as the losing tribe when they were forced to watch the winners eat in front of them.

11:02pm - The BF ordered in late night Chinese and peer pressured/forced me into eating a few steamed vegetable dumplings. Hopefully, I don’t die… but if I do, it was almost worth it. I’ll never take solid food for granted again. Feels so good just to chew something other than my bottom lip.

Other news includes: I had all of the same thoughts as Brian this morning. 1. Why is there still poop in me? 2. Last salt water flush ever!! I did this one in record time thanks to the adrenaline of it being my last one. and 3. The literal lemon juice I get in my paper cuts every time I squeeze a lemon is like… putting lemon juice in my cuts. Metaphorically.

4:24pm – I’m still at work, rationing my last 24 oz. of “lemonade” since I won’t be home until late-ish tonight. Just when I start to settle in and not think about the Cleanse every moment of every day, I’m almost done. Not that I’m complaining.

11:15pm – In 45 minutes, my last official day of the Cleanse is over!  Hooray!  At risk of sounding too positive, though, the worst is yet to come.  Starting tomorrow, I have to reteach my body to digest things, so I won’t actually be eating real food until Friday night at the earliest.  Waaah, boo hoo, etc.

10:25am - LAST. SALT. WATER. FLUSH. EVER. And when I say EVER, I mean it this time. I couldn’t be happier. Unless of course I was eating food right now.

10:52am - Squeezed my last bunch of lemons. May the cuts on my hands heal in peace now, and not be subjected to the sting of citrus on a daily basis.

3:31pm - Feeling pretty good and energetic today. I used my afternoon to run a bunch of errands that I’ve been putting off for weeks. However, some of that extra energy also went towards a little shopping spree. But hey, save for a few lemons and some overpriced maple syrup, I haven’t spent money in ten days!

3:54pm - Made my last batch of M.C. Juice. No more playing mad scientist in my kitchen. Perfect timing too, as I just ran out of maple syrup. It’s kind of disgusting to think how much maple syrup I’ve consumed in the past ten days. I feel like I should be living in a log cabin and wearing more flannel than a lumberjack/lesbian and/or hipster.

5:10pm - Off to see Duffy in concert. Leaving my M.C. Juice at home. Hope I don’t pass out!

10:48pm - While it was a bit strange to be stone cold sober at a concert, Duffy was amazing. Now I’m back at home and brewing my last cup of tea-arrhea (as my BF likes to call it.) I have a few tea bags left over, but I’m choosing to throw them out. I’ll have no need for them after this Cleanse is over, as I plan to go back to using a more natural BM inducer: Coffee.

3:08pm – I can’t stop pooping pee today.  I don’t want to gross anyone out.  I’m just telling it how it is.  Also, ignore my previous comment about the laxative tea.  Apparently I am supposed to drink it twice more.  The jubliation re. only having one salt water flush left stands.

6:13pm – I’m about to leave work.  That means only ONE more work day on the Cleanse!!  Then it’s “So long productive Cleanse worker, welcome back lazy procrastinator.”  Or maybe I’ll keep being productive at work.

11:13pm – I guess my body isn’t quite done cleansing ’cause I’ve had a wicked headache all night.  Hopefully it’ll be gone by the time I wake up tomorrow so that I can fully enjoy the fact that it’s the last day I’ll EVER be on the Master Cleanse.  Spoiler alert.  I’m not doing this shit ever again.  My clothes are pretty loose at this point, but I don’t know how much of that is from wearing the same pair of jeans lots of times and how much is from weight loss.